Coffee Not The Wonder-Drink It Has Claimed to Be

We have been sold a lie. Since the dawn of modern civilization, man has been searching for the wonder drug. Native Americans smoked leaves from various plants, sometimes at their own peril, to try to find the herb that would cure sicknesses or improve vitality. Scientists toil in earnest to concoct synthetic substances that will prolong life, make your weiner bigger, or cure the common cold. In mankind’s search for that marvelous “pie in the sky” wonder substance, we have discovered one thing for sure…coffee isn’t it.

What has coffee done for us? It helps us to fend off our greatest enemy, sleep. It keeps us going when our bodies beg for rest. It helps us to work longer hours, drive farther and do more.

Sure, coffee also reduces the blood flow to the brain, increases stress and makes us irritable. But isn’t the trade off worth it? Doesn’t it have lots of vitamins and minerals and shit that will make me grow up to be a big boy? Look man, just because your mom put it in your bottle doesn’t mean it’s good for you. It is common knowledge that coffee was invented by Hitler’s scientists in 1941 in an effort to create super-soldiers that didn’t require rest. That’s right, coffee was made by Nazis. The Nazis discontinued development when several Nazi soldiers went berserk from sleep deprivation due to mainlining coffee (literally) for two weeks straight and killed 47 of their own people. These incidents, coupled with the excessive urination that is a bi-product of coffee consumption, convinced Hitler to go with something a little safer, so they started using speed instead.

I hope we’ve learned something today. It may keep us awake, it may help to keep us regular, and it may even help you to work more so you don’t need to see your family as much. I just ask that you keep in mind what the Nazis learned the hard way: Don’t trust insane dictators, don’t mess with the U.S., and stay away from the bean…that shit will make you crazy.

In summary friends, coffee, unlike milk, does not do a body good.

Hey, it’s probably true.

Barak Obama Visits Black Power Ice Cream Shop

BAR HARBOR, MAINE – US President Barack Hussein Obama was vacationing in Maine over the weekend with his wife and two children. This scenic and supposedly relaxing vacation took an ugly turn, however, when the President visited a black power ice cream shop called Mount Desert Island Ice Cream in the town of Bar Harbor. As was first reported by the online journal The Right Perspective, the small family-owned ice cream shop uses the radical “black power” symbol as the company logo. From the article:

Obama was photographed Saturday by reporters enjoying a scoop of vanilla in front of Mount Desert Island Ice Cream in Bar Harbor, Maine, which proudly advertises its “fearless flavor” on its website. However, its black, clenched-fist logo bears an uncanny resemblance to the one created to represent the supremacist movement in the 1960′s.

In fact, store owner Linda Parker admits to intentionally modeling her logo after that of the Black Power Movement, telling a reporter in 2008, “Everyone has seen enough cows in the hillside."

The photo evidence clearly indicates that this ice cream shop is being used as a front for black extremists. The ice cream shop's logo is nearly identical to the 1960's black power logo. The owner also admits to not wanting to see anymore “cows on the hillside” (i.e., white people). We also know that this extremist group includes Barak Obama, otherwise he wouldn't have shown up at a black power ice cream shop to begin with.

The fact the store is being run by a kindly old white woman in a state that is 97% white was simply a devilish plan by the not-so-White House to trick The Average Hardworking American into thinking that Barack Hussein Obama was on vacation. In reality, he was working to mastermind a plan that will make the NAACP the fourth leg of our government alongside the executive, legislative and judicial branches.

Also a subtle message to his radical base was the fact that Obama ordered vanilla ice cream. Obama then consumed the white ice cream similar to the way that he is trying to consume the rights of The Average Hardworking American. Nice try Mr. President, but your subtle black power messages are easily caught by the IPTRT crew.

For more information on this story, please see our video.

...It’s Probably True

Ben Stiller shows up at Avatar: The Last Airbender Preview In Full Na'vi Regalia

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Several earnest fans have showed up outside the Chinese Theatre early to catch the preview of the new film Avatar: The Last Airbender, the live-action movie based on the popular Nickelodeon cartoon series. While earnest fans are always somewhat exclusionary, ridicule and taunts were directed at the person of Mr Ben Stiller, who arrived at the preview dressed in the full outfit he was wearing at the Academy Awards this past winter, complete with blue body paint and yellow contact lenses.

"I don't understand it," said Stiller, absentmindedly fondling his extra-long ears. "My agent said this would be a great opportunity to bounce back from Tropic Thunder." Stiller paused as an empty beer can struck him in the forehead. "Everybody's dressed all Asian and shit. I'm beginning to think this isn't the sequel to [James Cameron's] Avatar at all."

Some fans realized Stiller's gaffe could have been unintentional, but others thought he was being deliberately snide. Still other fans of the series were not sure whether to be excited or irritated at the presence of a recognizable actor at the preview.

"This really pisses me off," said Stiller, whose face had begun to melt quite unnervingly in the July heat. "Do you have any idea how long it takes to get myself looking like this? Well, it takes a long time actually. I could have been doing a guest appearance on Curb Your Enthusiasm or something."

Coincidentally, Larry David walked by on the other side of the street and shouted "No chance in hell, Stiller!" David gave a jaunty wave and a smile and continued on his way. The dejected Stiller was not sure of his next move, so he went home to watch another episode of Supernanny.

...It's Probably True.

The World’s Greatest Singer/Sausage Businessman Dies at 81

Sausage entrepreneur/singer/songwriter/entertainer/actor/masochist/investor/spokesman Jimmy Dean died this past Sunday at his 200-acre estate in Virginia. He was 81. While he is best known today for his sausages, Dean began his career as an entertainer in the 50's. In 1961, he wrote and performed the Grammy award winning song, “Big Bad John” about his large and unwieldy penis. In 1969, Dean started the Jimmy Dean Meat Co with his two brothers. The business quickly attracted attention thanks to Dean’s unusual slogan, “Where the meat is in my pants.”

Dean eventually sold the business to Sara Lee for $35 million in 1984, because in his own words, “… that broad knows how to work a sausage…” Unfortunately for Dean, the feeling was not mutual as Sara Lee dumped him as a spokesperson in 2003 because he was an “old fart” who “scared housewives and children.”

Dean had been living in semi-retirement for the later half of the decade and was in good health up until his death. He died "while eating dinner in front of his TV". No word on whether he was eating sausage at the time of death.

…It’s actually true… well sorta

Proposed Casablanca Re-Make Prompts Riots, Hysteria, Lunch

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Yesterday's rumors of a commercial remake of the magnificent 1943 film Casablanca have elicited protests, sit-ins, and lunch meetings. The original film, directed by Michael Curtiz, and starring Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart, is considered by many to be one of the seminal works of American film.

Picketers, protesters, confused hippies, and intoxicated persons could be found creating general havoc up and down Sunset Strip and the Walk of Fame, some wearing shirts and carrying signs saying, "DON'T PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM!" and "NOT THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP!" Steve Martin, Tina Fey, Mel Brooks, Larry David and other celebrities had camped themselves outside the home of the author of the new screenplay for Casablanca (Casablanca: The Bistro at the End of the World), hoping to get a chance to personally punch him.

"I know we live in an age that has seen some pretty bad remakes," said Martin, "but this is just going beyond the pale. It's totally unnecessary, and it's almost making me want to write again."

"At first I thought this was just a joke, and as such, I found it hilarious," said Brooks. "It's no laughing matter, though. This is something that could really happen unless we are willing to stand up and say no to mediocre script recycling and excess special effects."

The aforementioned beleaguered author, Harold P. Warren, was not available for questioning.

(Warren is the director and writer of the atrocity Manos: The Hands of Fate, a film so awful that it is among Internet Movie Database's "Bottom 200." The film was spoofed by the Mystery Science Theater 3000 team, but at times they were so transfixed by the movie's towering awfulness that they could only say the movie's name.)

It is reported that several directors and producers have already contacted Warren, expressing interest in backing his script, among them Jerry Bruckheimer (credits: countless empty blockbusters), Joe Carnahan (recent credit: A-Team remake, director), and Joel Schumacher (credits: Batman Forever, Batman and Robin). Lunch meetings have been scheduled for next week to discuss casting and funding options.

The lunches will likely take place at Hollywood's Secret Lunch Meeting Place (SLMP, or slump), where producers, directors and screenwriters meet when they wish to discuss projects they know will be unpopular. It is not yet known how this information got leaked to the general public.

The IPTRT has been privy to the casting information: Schumacher hopes to have Ben Affleck and Megan Fox in the lead roles, while Carnahan is eager to see Russell Brand as the French Customs Agent.

The IPTRT hired a medium to contact Bogie with questions, but he was apparently in the midst of turning a half-gainer in his grave.

...It's Probably True.

Study: Most People Lying About Their Facebook Hobbies

A new study by the Institute of Going a Bit Red In Helsinki has shown that many people are lying about their interests and hobbies on their Facebook pages, for various reasons.

Dr. Carl Gruber, the director and administrator of the study, followed several twenty- to twenty-five year olds for a period of roughly a month to see if they actually enjoyed windsurfing, gardening, writing music, "pwning", and reading.

The findings showed that the subjects, when face-to-face with actual human beings in actual social situations, did not mention their alleged interests even once. Even more startlingly, the subjects chose to speak about nothing but Facebook and Twitter.

"I feel that this data represents a paradigm shift in the basic way in which people interact with each other," said Gruber. "It has become commonplace to lie about one's hobbies since time immemorial, but most people have been consistent with their lies up until now. There is no longer any continuity in lying shamefacedly."

The public remains skeptical about the meaning of the study. "What's a 'study'?" asked one of the subjects. Other participants, when asked their opinions, were similarly confused. "Would you mind not talking to me? I can't talk and tweet at the same time," said Lea Tard, 22, as she rolled her eyes.

"Nobody looks at that stuff anyway," reported one alert participant. "It's just to make yourself feel better about wasting time online. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a book group to attend. Nah, just kidding: my college buddy just posted some pics of us from last year's road trip."

Dr. Gruber is planning a new study regarding the behaviors of the "older" Facebook crowd. He hopes that this study will get him some "tail."

...It's probably true.

1985 Has Something to Say

Dear Hollywood,


I'm floored by your unabashed fortitude to blatantly steal. I thought we were friends. I was a groomsman at your wedding; and you go and do this?  C'mon man, you're Hollywood. You don't need to rip me off, seriously.. What do I really got compared to you? 

I have a couple of closets full of florescent leg warmers, "Hammer" pants, and HyperColor temperature change t-shirts... and cocaine (honestly, why else would anyone think those HyperColor temp t's are a good idea).  

YOU have the best screenwriters, producers, directors, and actors that UNLIMITED cash can afford;  Quite simply: stealing from me is a bitch move.   

I get it, you've become fat and lazy. You're still riding high off the last great mainstream Hollywood idea: 'The Matrix.' Look, I enjoyed the first matrix movie as much as the next guy, but you shoveled two more into my face ('Matrix: Reloaded' you took it too far with that naked zion orgy [gross]); But, alas, I shoulda [sic] known this was the new you.  A Hollywood that refuses to take risks, and instead wants to turn everything into the next Star Wars Trilogy (guess what.. even the next Star Wars Trilogy didn't hold up), and once the sequels are spent, you start looking at my work again, to start some "new" franchise. ...wow@youre_ridiculous.com 

I turn on the TV these days, and it's like I have work again... Transformers, TMNT, The A-TEAM, The Karate Kid, Nightmare On Elm Street.  All my ideas! Question: Do your wife and kids know of your thievery? ...You could, at the very least, cut me in.  Lately, I've been working as an assistant manager at the BK (I saw some tweakface assault Delroy Lindo the other day). Throw me a bone, the best movies you have at this point are based on my hard work.  All I have left to say is this:

You're being a dick Hollywood.

Sincerely,

1985

P.S. Don't think I've forgotten how unoriginal you are with that MacGruber shit, did you really think it was a good idea to spoof MacGyver? Only thirty-somethings remember anything about that show (remember that your target demographic is the tweenies with the disposable income).

...It's Probably True.