It's Probably True

Coffee Not The Wonder-Drink It Has Claimed to Be

2010-08-17T22:46:00.005-04:00

We have been sold a lie. Since the dawn of modern civilization, man has been searching for the wonder drug. Native Americans smoked leaves from various plants, sometimes at their own peril, to try to find the herb that would cure sicknesses or improve vitality. Scientists toil in earnest to concoct synthetic substances that will prolong life, make your weiner bigger, or cure the common cold. In mankind’s search for that marvelous “pie in the sky” wonder substance, we have discovered one thing for sure…coffee isn’t it.

What has coffee done for us? It helps us to fend off our greatest enemy, sleep. It keeps us going when our bodies beg for rest. It helps us to work longer hours, drive farther and do more.

Sure, coffee also reduces the blood flow to the brain, increases stress and makes us irritable. But isn’t the trade off worth it? Doesn’t it have lots of vitamins and minerals and shit that will make me grow up to be a big boy? Look man, just because your mom put it in your bottle doesn’t mean it’s good for you. It is common knowledge that coffee was invented by Hitler’s scientists in 1941 in an effort to create super-soldiers that didn’t require rest. That’s right, coffee was made by Nazis. The Nazis discontinued development when several Nazi soldiers went berserk from sleep deprivation due to mainlining coffee (literally) for two weeks straight and killed 47 of their own people. These incidents, coupled with the excessive urination that is a bi-product of coffee consumption, convinced Hitler to go with something a little safer, so they started using speed instead.

I hope we’ve learned something today. It may keep us awake, it may help to keep us regular, and it may even help you to work more so you don’t need to see your family as much. I just ask that you keep in mind what the Nazis learned the hard way: Don’t trust insane dictators, don’t mess with the U.S., and stay away from the bean…that shit will make you crazy.

In summary friends, coffee, unlike milk, does not do a body good.

Hey, it’s probably true.

Barak Obama Visits Black Power Ice Cream Shop

2010-07-21T14:33:00.008-04:00

BAR HARBOR, MAINE – US President Barack Hussein Obama was vacationing in Maine over the weekend with his wife and two children. This scenic and supposedly relaxing vacation took an ugly turn, however, when the President visited a black power ice cream shop called Mount Desert Island Ice Cream in the town of Bar Harbor. As was first reported by the online journal The Right Perspective, the small family-owned ice cream shop uses the radical “black power” symbol as the company logo. From the article:

Obama was photographed Saturday by reporters enjoying a scoop of vanilla in front of Mount Desert Island Ice Cream in Bar Harbor, Maine, which proudly advertises its “fearless flavor” on its website. However, its black, clenched-fist logo bears an uncanny resemblance to the one created to represent the supremacist movement in the 1960′s.

In fact, store owner Linda Parker admits to intentionally modeling her logo after that of the Black Power Movement, telling a reporter in 2008, “Everyone has seen enough cows in the hillside."

The photo evidence clearly indicates that this ice cream shop is being used as a front for black extremists. The ice cream shop's logo is nearly identical to the 1960's black power logo. The owner also admits to not wanting to see anymore “cows on the hillside” (i.e., white people). We also know that this extremist group includes Barak Obama, otherwise he wouldn't have shown up at a black power ice cream shop to begin with.

The fact the store is being run by a kindly old white woman in a state that is 97% white was simply a devilish plan by the not-so-White House to trick The Average Hardworking American into thinking that Barack Hussein Obama was on vacation. In reality, he was working to mastermind a plan that will make the NAACP the fourth leg of our government alongside the executive, legislative and judicial branches.

Also a subtle message to his radical base was the fact that Obama ordered vanilla ice cream. Obama then consumed the white ice cream similar to the way that he is trying to consume the rights of The Average Hardworking American. Nice try Mr. President, but your subtle black power messages are easily caught by the IPTRT crew.

For more information on this story, please see our video.

...It’s Probably True

Ben Stiller shows up at Avatar: The Last Airbender Preview In Full Na'vi Regalia

2010-07-12T16:27:00.009-04:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Several earnest fans have showed up outside the Chinese Theatre early to catch the preview of the new film Avatar: The Last Airbender, the live-action movie based on the popular Nickelodeon cartoon series. While earnest fans are always somewhat exclusionary, ridicule and taunts were directed at the person of Mr Ben Stiller, who arrived at the preview dressed in the full outfit he was wearing at the Academy Awards this past winter, complete with blue body paint and yellow contact lenses.

"I don't understand it," said Stiller, absentmindedly fondling his extra-long ears. "My agent said this would be a great opportunity to bounce back from Tropic Thunder." Stiller paused as an empty beer can struck him in the forehead. "Everybody's dressed all Asian and shit. I'm beginning to think this isn't the sequel to [James Cameron's] Avatar at all."

Some fans realized Stiller's gaffe could have been unintentional, but others thought he was being deliberately snide. Still other fans of the series were not sure whether to be excited or irritated at the presence of a recognizable actor at the preview.

"This really pisses me off," said Stiller, whose face had begun to melt quite unnervingly in the July heat. "Do you have any idea how long it takes to get myself looking like this? Well, it takes a long time actually. I could have been doing a guest appearance on Curb Your Enthusiasm or something."

Coincidentally, Larry David walked by on the other side of the street and shouted "No chance in hell, Stiller!" David gave a jaunty wave and a smile and continued on his way. The dejected Stiller was not sure of his next move, so he went home to watch another episode of Supernanny.

...It's Probably True.

The World’s Greatest Singer/Sausage Businessman Dies at 81

2010-06-15T21:10:00.003-04:00

Sausage entrepreneur/singer/songwriter/entertainer/actor/masochist/investor/spokesman Jimmy Dean died this past Sunday at his 200-acre estate in Virginia. He was 81. While he is best known today for his sausages, Dean began his career as an entertainer in the 50's. In 1961, he wrote and performed the Grammy award winning song, “Big Bad John” about his large and unwieldy penis. In 1969, Dean started the Jimmy Dean Meat Co with his two brothers. The business quickly attracted attention thanks to Dean’s unusual slogan, “Where the meat is in my pants.”

Dean eventually sold the business to Sara Lee for $35 million in 1984, because in his own words, “… that broad knows how to work a sausage…” Unfortunately for Dean, the feeling was not mutual as Sara Lee dumped him as a spokesperson in 2003 because he was an “old fart” who “scared housewives and children.”

Dean had been living in semi-retirement for the later half of the decade and was in good health up until his death. He died "while eating dinner in front of his TV". No word on whether he was eating sausage at the time of death.

…It’s actually true… well sorta

Proposed Casablanca Re-Make Prompts Riots, Hysteria, Lunch

2010-06-15T07:33:00.008-04:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Yesterday's rumors of a commercial remake of the magnificent 1943 film Casablanca have elicited protests, sit-ins, and lunch meetings. The original film, directed by Michael Curtiz, and starring Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart, is considered by many to be one of the seminal works of American film.

Picketers, protesters, confused hippies, and intoxicated persons could be found creating general havoc up and down Sunset Strip and the Walk of Fame, some wearing shirts and carrying signs saying, "DON'T PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM!" and "NOT THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP!" Steve Martin, Tina Fey, Mel Brooks, Larry David and other celebrities had camped themselves outside the home of the author of the new screenplay for Casablanca (Casablanca: The Bistro at the End of the World), hoping to get a chance to personally punch him.

"I know we live in an age that has seen some pretty bad remakes," said Martin, "but this is just going beyond the pale. It's totally unnecessary, and it's almost making me want to write again."

"At first I thought this was just a joke, and as such, I found it hilarious," said Brooks. "It's no laughing matter, though. This is something that could really happen unless we are willing to stand up and say no to mediocre script recycling and excess special effects."

The aforementioned beleaguered author, Harold P. Warren, was not available for questioning.

(Warren is the director and writer of the atrocity Manos: The Hands of Fate, a film so awful that it is among Internet Movie Database's "Bottom 200." The film was spoofed by the Mystery Science Theater 3000 team, but at times they were so transfixed by the movie's towering awfulness that they could only say the movie's name.)

It is reported that several directors and producers have already contacted Warren, expressing interest in backing his script, among them Jerry Bruckheimer (credits: countless empty blockbusters), Joe Carnahan (recent credit: A-Team remake, director), and Joel Schumacher (credits: Batman Forever, Batman and Robin). Lunch meetings have been scheduled for next week to discuss casting and funding options.

The lunches will likely take place at Hollywood's Secret Lunch Meeting Place (SLMP, or slump), where producers, directors and screenwriters meet when they wish to discuss projects they know will be unpopular. It is not yet known how this information got leaked to the general public.

The IPTRT has been privy to the casting information: Schumacher hopes to have Ben Affleck and Megan Fox in the lead roles, while Carnahan is eager to see Russell Brand as the French Customs Agent.

The IPTRT hired a medium to contact Bogie with questions, but he was apparently in the midst of turning a half-gainer in his grave.

...It's Probably True.

Study: Most People Lying About Their Facebook Hobbies

2010-06-14T12:43:00.001-04:00

A new study by the Institute of Going a Bit Red In Helsinki has shown that many people are lying about their interests and hobbies on their Facebook pages, for various reasons.

Dr. Carl Gruber, the director and administrator of the study, followed several twenty- to twenty-five year olds for a period of roughly a month to see if they actually enjoyed windsurfing, gardening, writing music, "pwning", and reading.

The findings showed that the subjects, when face-to-face with actual human beings in actual social situations, did not mention their alleged interests even once. Even more startlingly, the subjects chose to speak about nothing but Facebook and Twitter.

"I feel that this data represents a paradigm shift in the basic way in which people interact with each other," said Gruber. "It has become commonplace to lie about one's hobbies since time immemorial, but most people have been consistent with their lies up until now. There is no longer any continuity in lying shamefacedly."

The public remains skeptical about the meaning of the study. "What's a 'study'?" asked one of the subjects. Other participants, when asked their opinions, were similarly confused. "Would you mind not talking to me? I can't talk and tweet at the same time," said Lea Tard, 22, as she rolled her eyes.

"Nobody looks at that stuff anyway," reported one alert participant. "It's just to make yourself feel better about wasting time online. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a book group to attend. Nah, just kidding: my college buddy just posted some pics of us from last year's road trip."

Dr. Gruber is planning a new study regarding the behaviors of the "older" Facebook crowd. He hopes that this study will get him some "tail."

...It's probably true.

1985 Has Something to Say

2010-06-14T11:52:00.001-04:00

Dear Hollywood,

I'm floored by your unabashed fortitude to blatantly steal. I thought we were friends. I was a groomsman at your wedding; and you go and do this? C'mon man, you're Hollywood. You don't need to rip me off, seriously.. What do I really got compared to you?

I have a couple of closets full of florescent leg warmers, "Hammer" pants, and HyperColor temperature change t-shirts... and cocaine (honestly, why else would anyone think those HyperColor temp t's are a good idea).

YOU have the best screenwriters, producers, directors, and actors that UNLIMITED cash can afford; Quite simply: stealing from me is a bitch move.

I get it, you've become fat and lazy. You're still riding high off the last great mainstream Hollywood idea: 'The Matrix.' Look, I enjoyed the first matrix movie as much as the next guy, but you shoveled two more into my face ('Matrix: Reloaded' you took it too far with that naked zion orgy [gross]); But, alas, I shoulda [sic] known this was the new you. A Hollywood that refuses to take risks, and instead wants to turn everything into the next Star Wars Trilogy (guess what.. even the next Star Wars Trilogy didn't hold up), and once the sequels are spent, you start looking at my work again, to start some "new" franchise. ...wow@youre_ridiculous.com

I turn on the TV these days, and it's like I have work again... Transformers, TMNT, The A-TEAM, The Karate Kid, Nightmare On Elm Street. All my ideas! Question: Do your wife and kids know of your thievery? ...You could, at the very least, cut me in. Lately, I've been working as an assistant manager at the BK (I saw some tweakface assault Delroy Lindo the other day). Throw me a bone, the best movies you have at this point are based on my hard work. All I have left to say is this:

You're being a dick Hollywood.

Sincerely,

1985

P.S. Don't think I've forgotten how unoriginal you are with that MacGruber shit, did you really think it was a good idea to spoof MacGyver? Only thirty-somethings remember anything about that show (remember that your target demographic is the tweenies with the disposable income).

...It's Probably True.

Shia LaBeouf's Apology Tour Reaches End

2010-06-13T10:54:00.001-04:00

Actor Shia LaBeouf has been touring the country, apologizing for his recent films.

And with good reason. What started as a promising career for the young actor (with appearances in great films, alongside some excellent talent) even to the point of having an ongoing working relationship with movie mogul Steven Spielberg, has now degenerated to a series of sequels to 80s movies.

The latest and final stop on the tour occured in Baton Rouge this morning, when he made this announcement to the assembled press:

"Psych!"

...It's Probably True

Sir Mix-a-Lot to the World: I Lied

2010-06-13T05:38:00.000-04:00

I am writing today to let the world know that I’ve been living a lie; a lie that has been eating at my soul for the past twenty years. It’s time that I come clean and let everyone know the truth.

I don’t like big butts.

There I said it. I’m sorry to everyone who loved the song ‘Baby Got Back’, and especially all the women who started pounding McDonalds three times a day when they began to think that men liked a stuffed booty. When the song became a rallying cry for all the fat women in the world, I was ashamed to tell people the truth: that I like my bitches skinny. And I'm not talking regular old skinny, I'm talking Lindsay Lohan on a cocaine binge skinny.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, I don’t get sprung. I never have. It’s really a nice tight flat ass that makes me so horny. I am sorry to have to say this, but if you’ve got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette, I really don’t want to get wit'cha.

Is there any other way that I can put this? When your curves are kickin, the last thing I’m thinking bout is stickin.

Whew. I feel a lot better getting that off my chest. Now if you’re one of those skinny beanpole dames, why don’t you give Sir-Mix-a-Lot a call.

That is all

-Sir Mix-a-Lot

...It’s probably true

The Karate Kid Gets Beat Down...Again

2010-06-11T11:57:00.001-04:00

The ever macho Ralph Macchio made news this week for the first time since he grew pubes (It's probably true. At least one pube has been verified). In between games of Mario Kart Double Dash on the now old-school GameCube, the IPTRT's crack squad of researchers put down their Mountain Dew and Doritos and made their way to the all-knowing blogosphere, where this story had been reported by a homeless man named Tyrone "The Teeth" Escobar from Ft. Lauderdale, FL. Yes people, it's not just 40 year old children living in their parent's basements that blog. As reported by Mr. Escobar, who reported the story via a local internet cafe, he was panhandling outside of a 7-11 when he saw a yellow '89 Volkswagen Rabbit pull up to the gas pump. Who stepped out of the car? None other than the Karate Kid himself.

Apparently, several minutes after Mr. Macchio stepped into the 7-11 to buy some beef jerky and a bag of Skittles, a red Ford Mustang pulled up to the front of the store and a man dressed like a miniature Billy Idol, masked with a Depends diaper and duct tape on his head, leapt from the car and ran into the store swinging a bass guitar. According to Mr. Escobar, the masked man smashed the slushie machine with his guitar, as well as the glass door to one of the coolers, before proceeding to threaten the cashier into giving him all of his "Wonka Bars".

Mr. Escobar reports that although Ralph apparently urinated in his pants as evidenced by the puddle on the floor beneath him, he had enough steel in his spine to approach the counter with a hot pot of coffee while the confrontation was taking place. Unfortunately, Ralph slipped in his own urine and dumped the scalding hot coffee on himself. The masked mini-Billy Idol, after realizing the intent of the previously unnoticed Ralph Macchio, took this opportunity to beat Mr. Macchio mercilessly while he was down. Mr. Macchio is reported to have made his way to his feet at one point and attempt a crane kick, but a swing from the bass guitar put him back on his ass and crying like a girl.

Thus, Ralph Macchio carries on the long Karate Kid tradition of getting repeatedly beat down while trying to be the hero.

The always vigilant IPTRT went to great lengths to track down Mr. Escobar to get his take on the encounter first hand. When asked why he didn't intervene, he had this to say:
"Sucka, I ain't 'bout to go tacklin' dudes swinging guitars roun' they heads like a crazy man! 'Dis the kinda sicheeashin you gots ta let play out on its own. 'Dis where you hang back and call da po-lice or throw rocks at da dude from far away. Plus Mista Billy Idol man tossed a five spot into my banjo case on his way in, so he cool wit me. Ralph gots heart, I'll give him that, but dis da real world foo! Ain't no missa Meeyagi gon' bail yo punk ass out when you decide to try an be da hero. Pat Morita weren't no real Karate man anyway! He from California, not no Okinawa. Sheeeit, das just mo' Hollywood lies, das what dat is."

Although not physically harmed in any way, the cashier was hospitalized and is bring treated for post traumatic stress. When asked to relate what he remembers about the incident, he simply said between sobs, "My slushies..."

Mr. Macchio is reported to have regained partial use of his limbs, and is expected to make a full recovery...probably.

It's probably true.

Reports Indicate Most Americans in Favor of Terrorism

2010-06-10T21:08:00.001-04:00

A recent survey indicates that many Americans support acts of terrorism.

"I think terrorism is..." unfairly being given the reputation of "...one of the great horrors of the modern age," said a recently interviewed corn farmer from Iowa.

This is another in a long series of similar comments made by Americans. A grocery clerk in Florida has gone on record, saying she "...can't understand why terrorists are..." so stigmatized "...in this country." She elaborated that she doesn't know "...what kind of people would..." oppress another group based on their inclination to "...blow up buildings full of innocent civilians." Of the detractors to terrorism, she commented, "If they hate..." people who hate "...this place so much, why don't they just..." stop complaining and "...go home..." to their suburban middle-class lives "..?"

This is a dramatic change in popular opinion, having gone from a strong
anti-terrorist climate to a seemingly pro-terrorism state.

President Obama, upon hearing results of this survey, reportedly said, "[I will support the American people in any way necessary. If they want more terrorism then this administration will deliver.]"

...It's Probably True.

MacGyver Parody of MacGruber Called MacGoober Cancelled

2010-06-05T21:56:00.002-04:00

Reports from the Hollywood Insider indicate that Richard Dean Anderson’s planned feature film called MacGoober was canceled earlier this week due to the poor box office performance of MacGruber, a spoof of Anderson’s original MacGyver television show. MacGoober was in pre-production (scheduled to be released in 2012) and was intended to poke fun at Will Forte’s Saturday Night Live character MacGruber. However, MacGoober's future was put into doubt after MacGruber made only $4 million in it's opening weekend and received a lukewarm reception from critics.

Richard Dean Anderson has declined to comment on the news, however, when asked last month about the MacGoober movie, Anderson responded, “Let me tell you something about that fucking no good asswart MacGruber, that fucker thinks he can come all up in MacGyver’s house and make fun of MacGyver’s shit? That is not how MacGyver rolls. That fucker MacGruber better watch his fucking back if he knows what’s good for him. MacGyver was going to fill him with a couple rounds from my AK47, but MacGyver prefers non-violent solutions to the world’s problems.”

When informed that both MacGyver and MacGruber were fictional characters, Anderson responded that “…the Phoenix Foundation was created to take out motherfuckers like you,” then proceeded to make a taser out of a disposable camera and some duct tape and incapacitated the interviewer.

...It's Probably True.

Kickin' it Oil Skool

2010-06-05T15:24:00.001-04:00

Here's what we know about the BP oil spill:

BP Thinks they are doing a 'heckuva job' cleaning up the spill.. The rest of us think they are bloomin' idiots (for more on this: 'Avatar' director thinks BP execs are morons!)
Approx. 210,000 gallons of black fury is being released into the gulf region every day.
THE COAST IS TOAST! (Not exactly in that volcano movie kinda way.. Where the coast is never actually in any real danger of being toast. ..this time the danger is real.)
After the Exxon-Valdez oil spill, Mr. Postman-Waterworld-FieldOfDreams-ForLoveOfTheGame himself (Kevin Costner) cashed in 24 million of his own money to fund a device that separates oil from water.. Kinda a giant vacuum cleaner.. It's patented "Ocean Therapy." ..BP won't take Bull Durham's help (Mr. Cameron just may be right about the BP execs).
If the spill isn't corrected.. Well, remember how we used to like living and stuff? If the OCEAN DIES, there isn't much hope left for us landlubbers.

And here's what the (best dang fabricated research team ever) IPTRT has uncovered about the oil spill, and this is shocking:

It was all an elaborate plot to get Jamie Kennedy to stop acting in movies. Allegedly, there were letters found in Jamie's Hollywood abode that pleaded for him to stop the misery of movies like 'Kickin' it Old Skool' and 'Son of the Mask.' One letter pointed out that if Jamie showed up on the set of any movie, to act or otherwise tarnish said production with his appearance, "drastic measures would have to be taken." A short while later in an interview on a radio station, Jamie said he was possibly going to make an appearance in Transformers 3. This was obviously the last straw, and one last note was found at the actors abode that said simply: "If the only way to stop the pain of your movies is to stop the world, then so be it." ..Mere hours later the Deepwater Horizon's oil well was blown out.

Our Take:
We here at True Players Media may not, in actual fact, be huge fans of Jamie Kennedy's work, but this was too extreme; If you don't like his work, don't watch it. Yes, his films are bad, but don't destroy the everything because of that fact. ...Lets just hope this mess can be controlled in the near future, so even if Jamie Kennedy does annihilate more films, at least there will be films.

...It's Probably True.

DoucheMonkey not the Devil.

2010-05-28T00:30:00.001-04:00

We here at True Players Media must issue a retraction. Somewhere in the time frame of 1998-2001, we had issued the following statement (B.T.W. This is not the actual statement, more like a paraphrase of said original statement): "David Arquette is the Dark One (AKA The Anti-Christ, et al nicknames)." ...The It's Probably True Research Team (Hither more referred to as IPTRT) has actually unearthed new evidence that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt two things:

Mr. Arquette IS, in fact, a DoucheMonkey.
He actually ISN'T the unholiest of evils.

The second point on the list could, of course, only be proven by actually uncovering who the ACTUAL unholy darkness is... The IPTRT has done just that, and Johnny Q Pub (that's you) need to know. The actual lord of the badness is a Swedish accountant named Bjorn Qunoern. Color us just as surprised as you, apparently while taking a break from ruling the flames, the beez likes to do tax work in Sweden.

A quick comment on point number one: Any one of Mr. Arquettes movies prove his douche-baggery, but just to be abundantly clear let me show you this list of movies that deem the douche.

Eight Legged Freaks

Done.

To Conclude: Though we have proven that David isn't the Anti-Christ, the IPTRT say they will never be able to debunk his DoucheMonkey status (lest a time machine is invented, and they can convince him at a young age to consider being a construction worker, or door-to-door shoe salesman [yaknow, something more suitable to his talents]); Also, we are still looking into reports that he is tied to Bjorn McEvilpants in some way, shape, or form.. If only we could get a hold of his tax records...

...It's Probably True.

What's upchuck?

2010-05-25T21:17:00.001-04:00

Total Gym spokesman Chuck Norris was recently one of the many thousand that were stranded at Reykjavik Airport due to the eruption of Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajokull. Mr. Norris was spotted at the airport by an American fan who goes by the name of Nick Willis. Shortly after spotting Chuck Norris, Mr. Willis allegedly shouted, "Hey! What's upchuck?" Mr. Norris is reported to have let the offensive quip slide with a grin and a nod. Nick Willis then allegedly shouted, "Nice comeback dou*hebag! Total Gym these n*ts!" What happened next is still under investigation, but Mr. Norris is reported to have picked up a Tensa-Barrier and swung it like a baseball bat at Mr. Willis' kneecaps. According to witnesses, before Mr. Willis hit the ground, Mr. Norris landed seven punches to his face and head and managed to spin-kick Mr. Willis limp body, breaking his spine in three places.

The case was tried in an Icelandic court two days after the incident occured. All charges against Chuck Norris were dropped. Apparently Mr. Norris is still distraught over the cancellation of his show, "Walker Texas Ranger", which was cancelled in 2001. According to Icelandic law, the level of grief that Mr. Norris suffers from constitutes temporary insanity.

Surprisingly, Mr. Willis survived the encounter and is expected to make a partial recovery.

Hey, it's probably true.

My Day.

2010-05-23T22:55:00.001-04:00

So there I was.. Just mindin' my own, eating at my fav, the BK. I ordered myself a triple whop, king fries, and the biggest milkshake this side of texas; And yaknow who walks in just as I sit down to eat my meal? Ving effin Rhames! I go to tell him that I loved his work in mission impossible, he says.. "I'm not Ving Rhames." I say "Shut it Ving, you were good in M.I.!!" ..He blows me off at that point, and seeing as I don't take kindly to being blown off by the likes of a Mr. Ving, I toss my milkshake into his face, start pelting him with fries ninja-star style, and then finish him off with a whopper-spectack-attack. At this point Mr. Ving is covered in about 4,568 BK-cals, and I thank him doubly for being such a good actor, and also for giving me a reason NOT to eat all that BK. He replies "..I'm not Ving Rhames." "..I know you are" I reply; Then I make my exit stage right. I'm sure Ving would be impressed with my knowledge of acting terminology!

...It's Probably True.